Once I’ve been told that lesbians* don’t get jokes. I replied that it’s a lie, to which I’ve been given the answer “sorry, they just have no sense of self-irony”. I told them that we do. And then I wrote this article.
Dear newly awoken lesbian*!
Recently I wrote an article about what objects, people, events can be of assistance to you, to make your rainbow road less rocky. I mentioned a few props that you can buy. So now that your coming out is done, here is a shopping list of the props you definitely shouldn’t forget.
Your shopping spree begins at a clothing store, but don’t even consider the women’s section, let’s get over the pink wonders the world has to offer! What you need is: an endless number of plaid shirts, baseball tees, vests, backpacks, sneakers, boots or oxford shoes and blazers. On top of them all, it’s recommended to buy some hats or caps of all kinds: a fullcap, a baseball hat, a knitted one, a beanie. In case you need some guidance regarding their colors, the following are recommended: black, khaki, black, aubergine purple (the darker, the better), deep grey and black.
(Editor’s note: Believe me, almost every lesbian’s* life leads to a point where they go to shop at some clothing store’s men’s section with determined intent. Don’t hold yourself back, if that’s what you want, it’s not considered a crime yet in Hungary.)
The next stop is a drugstore, but don’t get distracted by the makeup section, move forward and get a lifetime supply of nail-scissors, nail-files, hair gel for a half-shaved look, antiseptics for the piercings, sun protection cream for the tattoos.
Our next stop is the pet store, think about your all-time cat or dog, they’ll always need a new toy! Believe me, eventually they show up in every lesbians’ life, they might be yours, your girlfriend’s, or a friendly neighbor’s.
You could visit the hardware store, too, since no lesbian* is a real lesbian without their own set of drills… A few sport supplies are highly recommended, too, firstly the holy trinity of softball racket, ball and gloves, then a few weights (at least for show). If you prefer practical solutions, this can be replaced by a bigger toolbox.
If you’re not tight on money (let’s dream big), try looking at possibilities in a car shop. The least you could do is a sports car, but a giant jeep is even better, it makes you more recognizable for your “teammates”. The inside of the car matters even more, you’ll definitely need the car radio blasting “How To Know If A Girl Is A Lesbian” on loop, projecting the videoclips of “On Your Side”, “Hands of Love” and “Don’t Be So Shy”. For the harder days, a Tegan and Sara CD always comes in handy. Your package should also include a GPS with coordinates of the best lesbian parties programmed.
If we’re talking technology, it’s not even in question that your homepage should be qlit.hu/en instead of google.com both on your phone and your computer. Not everyone has perfect sight, so in order to be able to read our articles, you might need a pair of thick framed glasses.
Obviously neither the buzzcut nor the toolbox are necessary (especially not the buzzcut), but we can’t always be serious can we?
So welcome, newcoming lesbian* pal, to this life, which is filled with stereotypes!
Translated by Éva Csermendy