Have you ever felt uncomfortable hearing this question at work? If not, you’re lucky – you haven’t had the experience of being a lesbian* woman who can’t simply reply, “Oh, it was great, we went hiking with my girlfriend”. Instead, you swallow your words and just say, “Eh, nothing much, the weekend just flew by, thanks”.
Living as an LBTQ+ woman in a relationship with another woman can feel like a constant coming out (if that’s what you choose to do). We all know the all-too-familiar song of heteronormativity – it’s present in our families, our circles of friends, acquaintances – and, of course, at our workplaces, which can be an extra source of stress. After all, we all need money to live. (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)
Coming out at work is like coming out in your family: it’s not mandatory. Don’t feel like a bad person for not being out at your workplace – especially because forced coming out usually just makes things worse. The goal is to live as safely and comfortably as possible, given your current situation. If you’re not there yet, give yourself all the time you need.
For your mental health, what’s truly empowering is getting past shame and self-blame, and being able to speak freely about the person you love. It might take a long time to get there, and that’s okay – everyone moves at their own pace.
So far, so good. But what can you actually do?
The following lines are for those situations or times when/if you decide you’re ready to openly be yourself and share your relationship.
When navigating workplaces, it’s a good idea to assess the company from an LGBTQ+ perspective from step zero.
If you’re not sure about a company’s attitude, ask around – maybe someone you know works there and can give you some insider information. Bigger companies usually have a LinkedIn page – check what they posted in May or June. If there’s Pride content, chances are the environment is at least somewhat inclusive.
Keep in mind though, even at the most “Pride-friendly” company, you might still run into homophobic coworkers – no level of pinkwashing can guarantee full safety.
If you’ve made it to the interview stage, you can even ask about how they approach inclusion.
Yes, that can feel scary – especially if there’s nothing in your appearance that reveals any ethnic background, asking about minority-related topics might make them assume you’re gay.
But ask yourself this: do you even want to work at a place where being a lesbian* would be an issue? If possible, avoid non-accepting workplaces before problems arise.
If you’re already working somewhere without having done this check, and later decide you want to come out, you’ll need to assess your environment: What kind of company are you really working for? Do they have any diversity and inclusion policies (gotta love those buzzwords), and more importantly – are they actually implemented? That’s what truly matters.
The best-case scenario is that the answers to the above are positive.
Less ideal? You’re at a company where light “gay jokes” are brushed off (“Oh come on, Béla didn’t mean it like that, don’t be such a snowflake”) – and this attitude is tolerated both by management and colleagues.
That’s a tougher nut to crack.
If there are other LGBTQ+ people at the company (trust me, you’re not alone – unless you work at a five-person startup, and even then, who knows), you already have a source of strength. Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone and that others are facing similar challenges can be a source of strength.
You can stop there if that makes you feel safe – or, if you have the energy and allies, you can take things further and advocate for tolerance.
This next list of ideas for workplace sensitization might come across as a bit intense – pick and choose based on your comfort level and attitude.
Stand together, be proud, educate others.
Share cute everyday stories – like how your partner made you coffee and walked the dog before you even woke up. These small moments show people you’re just living a regular life. Who knows – maybe your coworker’s dog will end up in the same obedience class as yours.
Talk to HR or leadership about opportunities – for example, you could organize a Human Library event (where people ‘borrow’ individuals to hear their personal stories), or suggest joining WeAreOpen (a Hungarian campaign supporting workplace inclusion and LGBTQ+ visibility).
If you experience harassment and there’s an ethics committee, workers’ council, union, or even a halfway decent boss, speak up. Stand your ground.
Sure, it can feel like peeing into the wind, but let’s not forget women today have more life paths than just marriage, thanks to the Stonewall uprising that happened under serious headwind.
(Don’t worry – you don’t need to start a riot at work.)
What if none of these are an option?
If you can, change jobs.
This matters because work is one of the most important areas of life for people in the 21st century. If that’s not okay, nothing else will be – the dominoes fall.
Learning a new profession or a career change might also be an option. In this case, make sure to seek guidance from someone with insights into the job market, to better understand what factors to consider when choosing a new field – not only based on your interests but also on where homophobia might be less of an issue.
If you’ve spent your whole life in workplaces where you were humiliated for not fitting the heteronormative mold, it’s time to seek professional support – whether for your mental health (therapy, counseling) or career-wise (CV or job coaching).
It’ll help you heal from workplace trauma and make better choices for your future.
Have a different experience? What’s it been like for you? Share it with us!
Translated by Viki
