“It’s not always that obvious” – everday life as a femme lesbian*

You are not really a lesbian if you don’t have a wardrobe full of plaid shirts, don’t rock a shaved hairdo, don’t drink endless amounts of beer or act according to the other lesbian stereotypes. You might think this is another funny, satirical article about lesbian stereotypes, but keep on reading to be surprised.

Although it is everyone’s own decision to dress according to their preferences - even when it sometimes overlaps the universal stereotypes - in many cases, it is almost an expectation to look like a “typical lesbian”. Brigi shared her story and experiences as a femme lesbian: how people can make life harder by setting standards and making judgements solely on appearances.

"I have been aware of my sexuality since I was 15. I went through a lot of life changes, looking for my personal style and in the end I knew I am most myself in my feminine style. For me it comes naturally to be feminine, but I found that looking for a relationship is a lot harder as a femme lesbian. When you don’t look like a “normal” lesbian, it is harder to get the attention of other girls, and I have also been called a “fake lesbian”, as people think i cannot really be a lesbian looking like this.

I have been attacked from two sides: confused lesbians and even more confused men.

Countless men tried to persuade me that I am wrong in my sexuality: with this appearance, I can only be heterosexual. I am wife-material, I should cook, wash clothes and raise children.

As I mentioned before, the other hardship I encounter is dating. Not many women believe me when I tell them that I’m a lesbian who is not only looking for a fling but a long-term relationship. Obviously, having to prove my sexuality is not a great start to a relationship.

I found that getting to know people is easier at events organised especially for lesbians. Still, I usually have to take the lead and start a conversation, but when the interest is mutual and there is chemistry, it is always worth it.

My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years, and we have had our fair share of problems with misunderstandings and jealousy connected to my appearance. At first, she was smitten by my femininity and we walked proudly, hand in hand on the street. And then the turning point came, which I was expecting from the beginning from my experience in previous relationships. She started becoming very jealous, even when somebody was just looking at me. I wanted her to understand that I cannot change my personality and I won’t pressure myself into a style that I don’t feel true to myself.

There were examples when somebody wanted to change my personal style, my whole appearance. Luckily, my partner quickly realised that this is how I feel the best, I like and I am proud of the person who looks back at me in the mirror in the morning. I am very happy that I found a person who accepts me for who I am without trying to change me.

As Audrey Hepburn once said:

Why change? Everyone has his own style. When you found it, you should stick to it.

Girls, enjoy every moment of your femininity, don’t let anybody’s opinion get into your head, dare to start conversations, because you might even find the love of your life."

Written by: Brigi Jójárt


It doesn’t matter how you look or what you think your style is, in the end, the most important thing is to feel good in your skin. Believe me when I’m saying, everybody will know when you are in harmony with yourself. Other people can try and put you into made-up categories, but when you feel good, that’s the first thing a stranger will sense. So make this your priority!


Translated by Dóra Bajnóczi

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