Coming outImportantInspiration

10 Tips for My Young, Identity Seeking Self – by Dóri Gross

Hi Dóri! You have just recognized something substantial, and now everything is shaggy, complicated and ghastly scary to you. Believe me, you are not alone with your feelings. No one knows better than I what is happening in and with you. There are so many different emotions, thoughts and doubts rushing through your head, and you don’t even know exactly how you actually feel. However, I would like to ensure you about one thing: Everything Will Be Alright. I have collected a few thoughts for you I know you would like to hear:


1. Do not feel yourself inferior, deficient, or like a secondary citizen just because of being different than them!

Although Mom will suggest to choose a profession with less room for negative discrimination, you have to believe me: wherever you go and whatever you would like to achieve, tolerance and acceptance will always be present in those people you meet. You are a smart girl, you are interested in tons of things, and you are susceptible to change. You have a big heart and heaps of friends. Follow your intuition and do everything in order to achieve your goals.

2. Do not be afraid to come out to your parents!

Although Mom dreads the thought that her children might be different and because of that they might get hurt. This is why she buries the idea that bothers her subconsciously of her daughter being a lesbian. Dad is beginning to understand what is happening inside you. Take Mom’s hand, sit down with her in a calm moment - it is important for you to stay calm -, and ensure her that you feel good in your own skin, and love her very much. She has very little idea about the situation of homosexuals at the beginning of the 2000s. Help her to understand what you are going through and share your experiences with her.

3. Always be honest to yourself and to others!

If a situation is not suitable or satisfying for you, just say no to it. Do not lie! You will feel worse afterwards than if you were honest to someone, and you might even hurt them even if you never wanted that. It is much more important to have a clear conscience and back out from a frustrating situation than just to avoid a few conflicts, because you could have years of regret about what you did not say or do when you had the chance. Just like that, do not lie to your parents, it is not worth it. They will appreciate your honesty even if they disagree with some of your decisions or you drive them crazy sometimes.

4. If you are sure about your feelings, speak them out!

You will spare tons of unnecessary anxiety, tension and imaginary nonsense scenes. It will become clear faster to Mom and Dad why you are so weird, why you have all those secrets and why you visit some 14-year-old girl in Budapest they do not know anything about, mainly how you two know each other and all of a sudden why it is not enough to have those friends you have known for 10 years already.

5. Do not think you are ugly!

Yes, you are changing. Yes, your hormones are messing with you both inside and outside, but this is just temporary. Do as much sport as you can and try to avoid baggy clothes that cover everything. Do not worry about going to the male section in a store, dress boyish, but try to keep a pinch of elegance in your style. Show your figure to the world. I know you think you have a big ass, and you gotta hide that no matter what, but believe me, a less loose pair of jeans and a jumper that is not knee length would do it for you too.

6. Do not stress so much about finding a partner!

It should not be the only and most important goal in your life to fall in love. You will have loads of time and opportunities to find a partner and you will have beautiful relationships. Meet people, talk, but do not try to sleep with everybody or fall in love straight away. Try to invest a little more time and energy in studying, even if it is hard. You will have very smart girlfriends, so try to cultivate yourself at this young age in order to be able to amaze them!

7. Do not try to be cool by drinking and smoking like crazy!

You can spare loads of uncomfortable moments if you stay sober. I am not saying not to drink at all, but rather get to know your limits and keep them in mind instead of trying to bend them.

8. Accept that 99% of girls around you are heterosexual!

The girl you secretly follow everywhere in school thinks you are a sociopath and no, you cannot stare at her unnoticed in the hallway. Leave her alone and get to know the members of the lesbian community. There are a few lesbians in your city and around as well.

9. Write a diary about your feelings and thoughts!

About the new discoveries you made as a lesbian, what happens to you, what sorta new friends and acquaintances you have got. I would love to read it so much…! Unfortunately a lot of details got blurry over the years and perhaps I can never recall them again, however, there and then they seemed to be very important.

10. Try to identify yourself not only as a lesbian!

This is only one thing about you, one of many. This should not determine who you are, otherwise you will figure it out only many-many years later how much more there is in you. Think about those characteristics that are dominant, that are leading and spicing your life up and let them help the development of your character and identity.

The point is that there is nothing wrong with you.

Your dreams are real, together with your desires, plans, feelings, grievances and love. Your family and friends are having your back, they are supporting you and they accept you the way you are. You have a huge heart, you are empathic and capable of unconditional love, which is a precious treasure in today’s world. Try to build up your own value system, describe your plans, goals and insist on them with all your power, because primarily these will determine your life.

You are a strong, assertive lesbian girl and I am proud of you for being my past.


Translated by Rita Teller

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