Coming out requires a huge amount of courage. We know it, enough of this story already. What else do we need? E.g a huge amount of patience towards ourselves and towards others. I was completely lacking it so I forced myself to come out to my family who treated me like a princess my whole life and wanted to see a prince by my side not so ordinarily. While it had become more and more clear to me that I like girls, this revelation stayed hidden from my family.
For a long time when people were asking for how long I know it, I told them that I started to suspect it at the end of highschool. Since then I realised that there were signs since my childhood, although I was too much of a princess. I played with dolls, my favourite color was pink and I loved Disney movies, I wanted to dress like those princesses. Still my favourite movie was Mulan which could have been a clue about my future to my mom. Obviously a tale doesn’t determine anything but let’s be honest: it was a little bit weird. And not just this. I remember for example when I was five years old reading a storybook and I stopped for a long time to study an illustration about a girl. Now I know that it was not only her beautiful long golden hair that got me.
Bringing back the memories again and again made it easier to understand what was happening and why. A lot of things got cleared up when I paired the confusing childhood memories with me being attracted to women. Facing this was very important, because it is important to deal with our feelings, to get to know them and identify them.
At the age of 16 we are eager to dig into the nightlife filled with smoke and the trysts in stinky restrooms. Yes, I kissed girls. And it freaked me out and I stood in front of my mom crying and asking her: “Mom, am I a lesbian now?” her answer was simple while she was just laughing “don’t worry, everybody goes through this”. Neither for me, neither for my mom was this the moment when we realised that I’m attracted to girls. You are also wrong if you think that every 16 year-old is aware of whom they are attracted to. Almost all teenage girls are curious as that is the age when you can try out a lot of things.
Try to observe your desires! You know how time flies and by turning from one straight relationship to another (or just laying in another bed), you would not get to know yourself. And if you already suspect that it will not be the guys who you will be interested in, then it is for sure not the right path. For me it was fear that fed these relationships. I was afraid to live according to my desires. I was also afraid of what people would think about me, but even more scared about my beloved family’s thoughts.
When I turned 20, I realised that I’m madly in love. I decided to go with it, come out, let the world know! Let my friends and my parents know that I’m holding a girl’s hand on the streets! Unfortunately I didn’t go with the “sit down, we need to talk” version at home. Friendly advice: don’t go partying all night and then take your girlfriend home! To explain the next morning that the night before you were not wrestling in bed with a guy, is not funny at all.
Unfortunately this is how my mom got to know it first in the family. In an ideal world this wouldn’t make your mom love you less, but I somehow felt a distance between us for a while. After a while I realised that it’s not that she loves me less, but she is blaming herself because she thought she made a mistake somewhere. So this made me feel bad about myself. Very predictable I guess.
Believe me it’s better to tell the truth to the ones you love. Silence is a form of a lie. Don’t lie to them or to yourself! And what is more important: when it’s out or you told them and you are sure about it and your feelings, don’t flatter them with false promises like “it’s gonna be fine” “it’ll go away”. It’s not gonna be fine and there’s no need for it to be better because it is not a bad thing. It can happen that you don’t need a man or a husband to be happy.
My coming out story to my dad was also a funny one. Since he is very cool and most of all very patient, he took me out driving so I don’t fail my driver’s exam (for the 4th time!). When the motor stopped in the middle of a crossroad, I started crying and told him that I’m in love with a girl. This was all his reaction: “It doesn’t matter who you love, the point is that you should be happy, just please get out of the crossroad with the car already!”
I’m a very impatient person, I admit it. I wanted them to accept it, accept us in the first place. It’s not that simple though, just think about it: how many years have you been living with this thought, suspicion, desire. You can’t just expect them to accept it in just some days. It’s not that your loved ones don’t accept you because they want to throw stones at gay people - or most of the times it’s not the case. It’s simply a whole new and unknown world for them.
I’m quite lucky with my family even though they don’t accept it completely, I can feel it, but I’m also trying to understand their part that they are just worried about me and want the best for me. Even when this annoys you. They grew up in a generation where they had to live in fear if they were different from the majority. So there’s no other chance than waiting to meet somewhere in the middle, accepting each other. They still see a little girl who loves the color pink, dances in tutu and who’s begging for a Barbie for Christmas and they are waiting for a prince charming who takes me away. Takes me to a socially accepted and safe life.
Well, I hope this will happen sometime, but for me this prince will be a princess.
Translated by Zsófi Bártfai
