Lesbians often warn against starting a relationship with bisexuals. However, I for one would like to debate this ever-popular wisdom. This misbelief is so widespread, even my bisexual ex-girlfriend thought I agree with it. I am still questioning if she ever accepted the fact that I don’t.
Why are lesbians so afraid of bisexual women?
I think this fear stems from two different reasons. First, if somebody is interested in one gender it’s easy to find it weird when someone else would choose not to limit themselves this way. When you had a hard childhood full of unanswered questions, fought your battles and admitted that you are attracted to the same sex, it can be discouraging if the other party is not sharing these struggles and is open to both options. Some could feel that bisexuals cannot understand how hard it was for them to finally come out and would belittle their problems by saying things like “what’s the big deal”, and “what’s the matter with being interested in both men and women”. Keep in mind these are not actual facts! These are just projections of fear coming from the struggles of getting to know yourself.
The other big reason why lesbians might be afraid of bisexual women is that many lesbians have experience in having relationships with heterosexual women who just want to experiment with their sexuality, while not giving up their heterosexual lifestyles. After these experiences it is kind of understandable that lesbians, sitting across the table of an attractive woman who just told them she is bisexual think the best thing to do is to run as far as they can. This is such a stereotypical story, even those lesbians who haven’t had hands-on experience yet would shiver with fear just thinking about it.
Why should we still leave these thoughts behind?
I present you three reasons. First: fairness. It’s not fair if we judge a person according to their sexual identity. We should consider everyone as an individual regardless their sexual preferences: whether they are bisexuals, lesbians, or anything else, even when they don’t even know yet. (Needless to say this includes trans and all spectrum of other identities.) I would expect this from everyone, and they can expect me to offer the same understanding in return. At the same time, I would not like to be regarded as someone who looks at bisexuals in a different way, just because they are bisexuals. I am interested solely in the person.
The second reason: love should always win. Whether a lesbian or bisexual loves me, and then this feeling fades or I get cheated on or she moves on to another relationship, I have no interest in the fact that the new person is a girl or a guy. It’s doesn’t hurt more and it doesn’t hurt less if it’s a man. This does not say anything about me. My heart gets broken and nothing can change that.
The third reason is the most interesting, let’s take some time to think about it. Those who say they are bisexuals or even worse are “interested in girls as well”, can make me feel like they are not being serious in their advances, just use me as an experiment. This might be true, just think about how we discovered our own identities by experimenting.
So, on the one hand, experimenting is a real risk, but at the same time it’s part of the LGBT+ identity.
The only thing that could solve this problem is honesty. Honesty coming from both parties: being honest about what the relationship means to them. Sexual experiment? Getting over an ex? Or is it more than that?
This is a two-people game: you can’t just give your honesty, you need to expect it from the other person as well. The only way to achieve that is if you are not afraid of bisexuality, if you accept the other party the way they are, if you don’t discriminate. Unless you are able to do this, you cannot expect the attractive bisexual woman sitting in front of you not to back out even before anything could happen. You need two people to find freedom together.
Translated by Dóra Bajnóczi